As part of our rewind posts we are going to jump ahead a few weddings to Scott and Debbie’s wedding last June – this is not an easy post to write and probably not to read either but I made a promise and I plan on keeping it.
Scott is actually Bryan’s (my husband) cousin and when the two of them came to me to ask me to photograph their wedding it was an honour. Lots of people in our family have gotten married but had other people shoot it so this would be the first family wedding I’d get to photograph and I was looking forward to it. The day was beautiful – it threatened rain a couple times but it finished off perfect and it really gave me a chance to watch the love between these two. Of course being cousins I knew them but having to look through a lens and isolate only emotions makes you look at someone different than you may have in the past. Through my lens I saw Debbie as a soft spoken and tender hearted woman and Scott as a much more mushy person than I had ever thought – both terribly in love with each other and vested in protecting each other. I am so happy they had asked me as I felt like we grew closer and was looking forward to continuing that friendship. I am not close with most of my own family so I have often thought that I married into a big family because I miss that. My husband grew up with all his cousins being his best friends and a support system built right in. I longed for that for my own kids but Bryan’s brothers already had all their kids and they are much older.
Earlier this year, miserable and in the throws of my extreme morning sickness I saw a sliver of the silver lining, Debbie’s facebook status told me she was expecting. About a month after me is when she was due and I was so excited! Cousins only months a part! Then the news came that it was a boy and add more exclamation marks!!! Perhaps I am crazy but I was over the moon excited – I was dreaming of sleepovers and camp outs and my son having a best friend for life. I had been meaning to have them over for dinner and we tried for quite a bit to make it work but needless to say Spring/Summer is pretty crazy for me as far as schedule so we got together just a little bit after Canada day and had a chance to sit and chat about our pregnancies, names, parenting, as well as just general chit chat about random items (non baby related) and had a good night. It was nice to realize we had so much in common and I was kicking myself for not doing it sooner.
About a week later I was in the kitchen working on dinner and my family was over for a visit and Bryan got a call from Scott on his cell. Bryan took the call upstairs as it was too loud with all of my family and I continued on in dinner prep thinking that he was probably calling about a computer problem or to set up another dinner. I know my husband so well and when he came down stairs and into the kitchen I looked at him and knew something was wrong. “Is everything ok?” and with one look I knew it wasn’t. At a routine appointment they had checked for the baby’s heart beat and found none and shortly after an ultrasound confirmed that Gavin their highly anticipated and so very loved son had passed away. I was gutted, I collapsed into tears and held tightly onto my belly and my husband. I was speechless – how had this happened? I didn’t understand, Debbie was so careful with everything – it just wasn’t possible. I remember feeling like it must be a mistake – they didn’t deserve this and my mother’s heart broke over and over again. For them as a couple, for Scott as a father, for Debbie as a Mom and finally for my son who would never know his cousin. My heart broke again when I heard that there is no magical procedure that takes the baby out in these situations; Debbie was over 6 months pregnant and would be forced to go through the birthing process. A million pieces – that is what my heart looked like – I remember how difficult labour was with Nate but the prize at the end was worth it. There would be no prize – they may get to hold him if they chose but it would be fleeting – in the grand scheme of things it would never be enough – no parent who out lives their child will say there was enough time. I remember wanting to see Debbie and gather her into my arms and make everything better -I had no idea how I could do that but I wanted to.
As a photographer I am aware of an organization called “Now I Lay me Down to Sleep” where in situations like these a photographer will come in and photograph the baby and the parents with the baby if so wished. Some people think this is weird or have difficulty understanding why you would want to do this but I get it. It’s hard when you don’t have anything to bring home to acknowledge this little life. It’s easy to say that it’s not as bad to lose a baby as it would be to lose a child and really it’s not a competition but with a child you may have memories to hold on to that can help you in the grieving process and other people grieve with you but when a baby passes in utero the only person that really knew that baby was it’s Mother and to some extent it’s father. It’s hard for other people to feel the grief they do because they don’t have the same attachment. A Mother though feels every movement, has seen the ultrasounds, has peed on sticks repeatedly and hiked up her skirt, gone through terrible pain and a thousand other humiliating, wonderful and terrifying things all to get the prize at the end. How do you acknowledge the 6 months that Gavin was alive and remember him? Once you leave the delivery room your memory can get fuzzy, to me photos would help. Although difficult to look at they might bring a smile to your lips when you see parts of yourself in your child, it makes his life more real and just that alone can help bring some peace.
I called my photografriend Stacy who is one of the photographers that works for this not for profit organization and advised her that she might get the call for it and if so that it was my family and to take extra special care of them. I went out and got little pads and cards for them to record footprints and bought a blanket for Scott and Debbie to hold him in. It may seem odd but I wanted to give them memories and pieces of him so that they could hold to that in the moments of grief and have something to remember his little life by. When they induced Debbie I asked Scott if it would be alright if we came by the hospital as I wanted to be there for her but told him that I understood if Debbie didn’t want me around because of me being pregnant. Apparently, it was ok so off Bryan and I went to the hospital. Crazily enough, as I pulled myself out of the car – there was Debbie walking around in the parking lot with her sister – joking that she was trying to make her escape. I knew she was hurting but trying to be strong so I went with it and kept things light. We stood for awhile by the entrance talking – a group of us that had come to support them both and Scott and Debbie and I guess the pain got to be too much or maybe she just needed a break but Debbie headed upstairs with her sister while we stayed down for a bit to talk with Scott. When we headed up to her room I remember hearing her sobs and I hesitated before going in – I had hoped it wasn’t something I said or me being there but when Scott asked us to come in finally I decided to hit things head on. I can’t remember how we tumbled into it but I remember saying through tears after Debbie apologized for falling a part that she didn’t need to be sorry that no one else in the room had to go through what she did and she was allowed to do it in whatever way helped her. I encouraged the both of them to get photographs and then barely being able to choke the words out I told them how sorry I was, how my heart broke for them and how I would always remember Gavin. He wasn’t my child but I was excited for him to arrive, I had been devastated by grief with his passing and made me exponentially more appreciative of my own children. When we sit at the graveside of someone we have known our whole lives we look back on memories and are thankful for the good and bad times and we cherish the meaning of that persons life. Although I never met Gavin – I cried tears of sorrow but I also said a prayer of thanks. His message in his short life is one pin pointed by Scott shortly after his passing – parents hug your children, cherish them for every moment that you have them because we truly don’t know how long we have left. I find myself more patient with Nate and it has brought out another side of me with Aiden that just wasn’t around when Nate was born. This is the gift of Gavin’s life – if you are reading this and have children of your own or children in your life – take a moment today to honour Gavin’s life on what would have been his birth day had he lived until his due date; hug your children, love the people who love you with your whole heart, and don’t waste a single breath.
To Scott and Debbie – I imagine how hard today must be and what I want to tell you both is to remember the love that created Gavin, the love you had on your wedding day and your vows to each other. You two have been incredibly supportive of each other but I want to remind you what that love and support looks like, remember that although there was rain – there was also a rainbow in the end…
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