Lately I’ve been so tired and have been hit with one bug after another that it’s no surprise to me that I have fallen behind blogging and a few other things. But no one can blame me when they hear why I have been such a state for the last month and half. It goes back to a conversation I had just under two months ago with Sam – we were talking about how tired I’d been and had some pain in my stomach. I thought it was just coming to my time of the month and that it was just worse than usual when Sam pipped up and said “Are you sure you’re not pregnant?” To be honest this thought hadn’t crossed my mind! Bryan and I had talked about children a lot over the last 6 months – since so many of our friends have just had babies or were expecting, it was definitely something we were thinking about, but had decided to wait another year and see where everything went with the economy.
My mom always said that you can’t plan these things and that there isn’t a perfect time for anything – so as I stared, shaking, at the positive test – I was happy, in shock and disbelief, and quite rightly; nervous. The decision I have wrestled with for over 12 years was made for me. 12 years you think eh! That means I was contemplating children at the age of 15 – of course I was! My mother had my youngest brother just after my 16th birthday and it changed our whole world. Daniel is the light of our family and was the perfect addition – he has grown into an amazing kid and I just can’t believe he’s my brother, but I was also at a point in my life where he was born where I was able to help a lot more with him than if there was a 2 or 3 year difference. This ended up being for the better as now even though I moved out of the house when he was only 7 – we still have a strong bond.
Watching my mom’s pregnancy and helping out really gave me a birds eye view about having children and to be honest it scared me. Not just the pain and uncomfortability of being pregnant but just how many demands children make on your life. Although every parent will tell you it’s worth it and they would do anything for their kids – it does not mean that the weight of this responsibility doesn’t weigh on them. Being a parent seemed like such a dangerous risk to me of getting hurt – and I have always felt that I have dealt with enough pain in my lifetime. What happens if you lost the baby? Or someone kidnapped it? or if the kid died of a terminal illness? I know – I know – all very pessimistic views – and as I grow older and have watched my friends have their own babies – I have seen the risk and the reward. In my own brother – I see a joy and renewed sense of youth in both of my parents. I go out at least once or twice a year to watch his hockey games or baseball games and as my brother flies down the ice or heads toward home – I feel immense pride. Although I am only his sister I know that parts of who he is – have been shaped by me. It is an awesome feeling – something I am sure that is akin to the way a parent feels.
So as I came to grips with the fact that the scary day was here – I am actually pregnant and awaiting this little life to come into mine and Bryan’s and make our house messier than it already is. I started to have terrible morning sickness and the fatigue only got worse. In fact in total now I’ve lost over 20 pounds from being sick. When I had my first doctor’s appt – I told him about this and about some of my other worries and he looked at me and told me that I was probably fine but sent me for an ultrasound just for the due date and to make sure that everything is ok. The morning of the ultrasound I was sick with worry – I was so glad Bryan was able to come with me as I stressed about the worst case scenario. We got there early and got in early and as she brought the wand to my stomach I saw the bean shape out of the corner of my eye. She started taking her measurements and I tentatively told this Patti – that I was worried about whether or not my baby was ok. Patti promptly pulled up the part of the screen that shows you the vibrations from the heartbeat and told me to hold my breath (not sarcastically but because you actually have to so they can see it) and showed me the little waves that indicated a heartbeat. After the measurements she left me in the room alone to go and get Bryan and I just couldn’t take my eyes from the screen – it felt so much more real! As Bryan walked in, he searched my face, and found a smile. As he looked at the screen he made a totally Bryan comment about the quality of the resolution not having changed much over the years and then she zoomed in so we could actually see where the heart was beating, a mile a minute, inside our healthy baby. As I felt his hand touch my leg I knew we both felt relieved and like we could finally be happy. I had worried so much about being sick that I didn’t want to feel happy yet, just in case something happened.
I am about 10 1/2 weeks pregnant now and very close to the 12 week mark – we were going to wait to tell everyone until that mark but after seeing the ultrasound and after having such a difficult time we kind of wanted to sing it from the hill tops! I know now – even this early on – why most people would take this risk. Because the love of a child is worth it.
Wishing you friendship & love,
A very happily pregnant – Amanda
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