The joy of reading and self reflection…
As this is meant to be a highly personal space – I could not talk about any journey of thought without first talking about my deep love of reading. I read for many reasons: to immerse myself in a world of fantasy, to contemplate the human condition through the fictional perception of someone else’s story, to learn (or to remind myself) how to do something, to expand my mind on the universe and hone my perception is of our purpose here on earth. Sometimes, I can achieve all of those items in one book and sometimes one book can have such a profound impact that I feel the entire shape of my being is being reformed.
I love recommending novels or gifting others books and seeing their journey in discovering them. One of my dearest friends moved away from me several years ago and as her going away present I gave her some books – among those was Don Miguel Ruiz’s “The Four Agreements”. In my search to do some work on myself I had happened upon this book in my early 20’s and I found a lot of comfort in it. I rarely find myself in other people but I can usually find myself in books. This book in particular held some important truths for me and as I am back in this self introspective mode – I figured I would take you on this journey with me as I read this book again. I look forward to doing this with other books as well but let this be the first…
THE FOUR AGREEMENTS – don Miguel Ruiz
We all have glimpses of who we are – both introspectively and from the perceptions and reactions of others to us, but I believe that most of us live in a realm of auto pilot. That’s not to judge but we have assimilated a vast amount of small skill sets into our every day life that we do without thinking. I have tried talking with others about the moments that you shift from being in auto pilot to realizing your small and yet significant role in the universe. Most of the times that I describe this – people look at me askance but in the opening of the book he talked about having a lucid dream where he was able to see himself as nothing but light. As if everything in the world was made of light and that we are all interconnected and that light itself was a living being that weaves us together. I remember holding my breath because I remember thinking “finally, this is more the space my brain operates in”. When I think of the human body and what a marvel it is – I think in these type of terms “I can feel my lungs fill with air – the oxygen I take in is distributed across my body – what an amazing thing! This is happening in bodies all over the world!” It might sound silly but I feel like we often just go through the motions and sometimes stopping for a moment to give gratitude for the multitude of systems that support our continued existence is a necessary part of being human. We need to take these moments often and reflect because that is where the real work of figuring out our purpose here on earth take shape.
I am a firm believer that everyone has something amazing about them – has a light within them that needs to be shared with the world. That is literally why I have created my second podcast – the purpose is to shed light on some really beautiful humans doing and being lights in this world. Maybe that is just a light for me and it’s my way of saying thank you? But in most cases I know they are also a light for others.
I chose to talk about this book when discussing this concept because the opening chapter of this book goes through the description of the subjects journey to self awareness in this way. He talks about how he could see the light in people and how beautiful they were – his exact words were: “He saw himself in everyone – but nobody saw him in themselves”. He talks about how they were all dreaming or in a fog which is the auto pilot which fits so profoundly (for me) with what I said above. The concept is that the entirety of how most people live their life is much like a Dream but with the brain awake. Our fear of rejection for being different or just fear in general often leads us to try and mirror the others around us. That mirroring is what we are taught as infants and as we grow but what would have happened if that was done without necessarily prescribing or indulging in the shame that can often go along with it?
Sometimes, we as humans like to say things like “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” or “adversity builds character” but when reading this book I wonder to myself if it’s rather that adversity can come from diverging from the “normal” path that is set out and instead of relying on those prescribed actions that might have been taught since birth – we are forced to look inward and figure out what is right for ourselves.
The four agreements talks about how we as humans, are constantly judging – our own feelings, thoughts and actions – are often so tied up with shame or thought through the lens of others and how they react – that it is difficult for us to know what is our true nature. The only thing that can break this is those that have courage to acknowledge and recognize how this might be true for them. Sometimes, that’s done through therapy, sometimes it’s a book, sometimes it’s meditation and maybe it’s something else all together or all of the above. The point is to get to a place where you decide for yourself vs. what the world says to leave behind that shame and blame mentality. The reality is we don’t really have control over how others see us – we can only control (and forgive) ourselves.
The book posits that if humans were after true justice then they would require that a person who did something “wrong” would only pay for that mistake once. Humans though will actually punish themselves 1000 times over, and then to add to it – anyone else who may have witnessed our mistake will likely also judge and punish us over and over again. What if it’s all wrong? The book asks if this would not already be the definition of hell?
I loved reflecting when reading this again about what it means to be human – I actually decided to read this after I had already embarked on this project but it felt right as I was reading it – this is how books can come back to you when you are ready or need to read them again. I found my own reflections on humanity mirrored in this book: As humans we are always looking externally for truth, justice and beauty – but instead of looking outward – we need to look inward more. It is so much easier to see what the world holds when we are able to be self reflective in that way. I am encouraged after reading this to take more risks and be more of who I am. I have some big goals but I also have some big fears and flaws – but if I only ever consider the fears and flaws then that is where my energy will go. He talks about all the ways that we abuse ourselves over and over and by allowing ourselves to think, speak or narrate our lives through that lens then how are we to ever reach self acceptance? We must love ourselves first – I mean it sounds cliche – we’ve heard it a dozen other times and ways but it really sunk home this time. By practicing this for myself – it will make the habit more ingrained and easily done for others.
The framework put forward by the book is to think of everything you currently do or take in as a point of shame as an agreement you made with the world. You agreed that these things were wrong and if you did them you are “bad” and thus the shame spiral begins. So, what would happen if instead we agreed that something just happened and that we could learn from it and move on? I mean – this part was something that I had to admit was a big struggle for me. As a true Canadian, there are no two words I love to put together more than “I’m sorry” but when I sat with it for a bit – I think he was really saying that being contrite should just lead to making amends and putting out more good in the world, instead of further punishing ourselves. This allowed me to move on to how I can build myself reminders that when something is done and is not as I would have wanted – I can make those amends and then transfer the shame energy that would have usually taken place into doing the hard work to make sure that it doesn’t happen anymore.
So this sounds amazing right? But how do we do this? Well first things first, I’d suggest picking up the book and reading it! I mean, I can give you my thoughts and takes on it but we’ve already established that’s through my own lens. If you want the most from it then you really should sit down and read it! The only thing I will do though is break down a bit the 4 agreements that the author suggests we should either start (or keep if you are already doing these things) so that we can begin that journey of being kinder to ourselves and living a more authentic life.
Here are the four agreements….
- Be impeccable with your words: “Your word is your bond” is a saying for a reason – choosing to keep your word when you make a promise, meaning what you say, trying to avoid the power of speaking negatively of yourself or others but instead use your words as a power to bring to light truth and love.
- Keep Perspective: We must try and approach others behaviour in a detached way – it is rarely personal – even when it might seem that it is. Oftentimes, others react to us based on their own internal struggles and experiences. Have the perspective that whatever is happening – it is not about you and not a reflection of you. Removing your ability to be affected by others helps keep you grounded and reminds you that it’s just not about you – their thoughts and behaviours and their own.
- Assumptions: Everyone has heard the old adage about assuming – it doesn’t even bear re-rewriting but I will say this there are so many one sided conversations that happen in a day. We automatically assume when something happen that it was done on purpose or with malice. This one will be longer because I’d like to give an example. Let’s say “Betty” at the office is having a birthday party and has invited everyone but you. Your internal monologue might look like the following.. “I can’t believe Betty didn’t invite me to her party. It’s like she’s purposefully excluding me. Maybe she just doesn’t like me. I mean, we’ve had some awkward interactions lately, but I didn’t think it was this bad. Did I say something wrong? Did I do something to offend her? Or maybe she just doesn’t vibe with me. It’s hard not to take it personally though. I thought we were friends, or at least friendly acquaintances. But I guess not. This really sucks. Maybe I won’t invite her to my party and she can see how it will feel”. In reality – maybe Betty was told that you don’t like social interactions, maybe the email invite is in your spam or she misspelled your email? Unless you go ask Betty, you will never know. It takes courage to ask someone something like that because it might mean that the answer is something you wouldn’t like or that fits with your internal monologue. What if it’s not though? It can feel empowering to face your fears and get real answers and even if it is the thing that you feared – having everything out on the table gives you a space to learn from and move forward from.
- Do your best: We are all human – no one has admitted to being (at least in my life or circles) an alien so we are all inherently flawed and will all make mistakes. It happens – just approach everything you can with your best foot forward and if it doesn’t land exactly right – just forgive yourself, you did try your best after all right? This is not a platitude that lets you off the hook for everything – it’s actually a call to greatness. It asks you to bring your whole and best self to what you do and set the intention to do your best for where you are in that moment. If you had a rough sleep or are feeling run down – then do your best for how much energy you have, if you got great sleep and have a clear head then bring the best in that situation too and recognize that though the two might not measure the exact same way – they were both still your best. The point of doing this is two fold – the first is to be more intentional and the second is to forgive yourself and remove blame and shame when it doesn’t work out.
In the end the book is lovely, it’s a hug for yourself to forgive what has come in the past – it is not easy to think in those terms but I truly believe it’s so necessary. This world right now is scary, beautiful, messy, and the only thing that might be able to make the difference in the end is to love ourselves and those around us more. If we look for the good – we will find more and begat more good ourselves.
Go forward and be a nice human – the world will be a better place for it!
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