This has been a strange winter, let’s call it my winter of discontent as it were. Learning to juggle two young children, my business and my husbands business and things just weren’t happening and it sucked. I know most will say that this doesn’t belong on a business blog but at this time of day last December I was seriously wondering about photography’s place in my life, so to me it fits. I had competitors undercutting me to create their space in the industry, my own failings as a business owner, artistic vision and actual output at two different levels and I felt a little lost.
My passion for people has always been there; their stories, their loved ones, and quite simply their love. I get excited after meeting with a couple and they are so visibly in love – their energy is infectious, I get excited at the thought that there are some families that I am doing weddings # 7 or 8 in their circle and that I know their family members by name. All of that has been incredible but along with the good comes the bad. The bad has been tough to overcome both business wise and personal wise and I really needed to sit down and figure out what I wanted and go back to basics of what I am good at. Services around ALP are going to change and I am working hard to put processes in place to get back to every single one of my clients being happy. It’s not an easy road to admit when you’ve fallen down – but you can either stay down in the dirt or pick yourself up and figure your poop out.
In the winter amidst all this turmoil I won a spot in a creative retreat for photographer women in West Virginia in a little resort called Capon Springs. I asked my photographer friend Precious to come with me (as the retreat promised yoga and all kinds of crunchy granola stuff that she loves *wink wink*) and we decided to drive down and crash in my van. I grew excited at the adventure – I’ve done a few things in my life that may surprise some that know me now but I have always loved adventures – fed off doing things that are just a touch crazy. I think amongst running the businesses and having kids I forgot about my own adventures and that I wasn’t too old to still have them! The first night we slept in a public park – with no washrooms – it was dark when we picked the place and it was in a fairly busy area but we stayed true to our commitment to not parking in a WalMart parking lot (which everyone who we told about this adventure suggested). This was better somehow – even if I checked a couple times during the night that the doors were still locked. As we made our way the next day through some of the most beautiful countryside I’ve seen in the US – we stopped where we wanted, had no plan really and just explored where we wanted. If we got lost it was part of the adventure and if we took a turn down a side road we tried to find something interesting to photograph. We tried to eat in all local cafes and restaurants to soak up the area around us and checked shops etc.. of the small towns we were in. I wish somehow that we had more time – this random discovery was great – nothing was concrete other than we had to get to the resort by Tuesday (we left on Sunday). The second night we stopped in Maryland in a campground on a mountain and it was raining but I still made a potato on the grill I had brought, we explored the grounds and the kids park while it was only drizzling and then setup the van for a movie night (because of the bad weather). Sleep was much easier that night! The road leading into the campground was speckled with the most beautiful but decrepit and abandoned houses – it was such a strange sight to see. We both wished it wasn’t raining so that we could have taken more photos but I am certain one of us will end up back there again some day.
I’m not sure I could really do the retreat itself justice – to me it was not long enough – I wanted to spend a month in this beautiful and magical place where time stood still. I wanted to soak even longer; in the waters of the Capon Spring (that were literally used everywhere), in the laughter of these beautiful souls and in the tears of shared pain. An artists heart tends to be softer, making us more vulnerable to the joy and the pain around us – as tough as my life has been to hear that other people who have been stripped raw by their experiences as well – were now using it to create not only beautiful work but make themselves into beautiful people on the inside was so encouraging. My sore body was massaged, I soaked in a luxurious bath of hot spring water (seriously one of my favourite experiences ever) while reading a favourite book, and I spent time with myself and with people that I really identified with and I thought to myself that it might all be ok. I’ve been working on looking for things to be ok since I returned if I haven’t quite gotten back to you just know I will and trust in that – trying to face things that are difficult is difficult. I am working on dealing with things one thing at a time so that I can enjoy what’s good – without being overwhelmed and doing my best to try and approach things with honesty. Every day I am thankful for the blessings both personally and professionally I have been bestowed but now instead of living like I could die at any moment – Im just going to live like this is my last moment. Their may not seem to be a difference but in one I am fearful and at the ready and in the other Im just going to be unfettered, accepting, loving and happy. This retreat was like a tiny earthquake with aftershocks that will be felt for time to come but I promise that the changed landscape at the end will be beautiful.
“For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well”
Psalm 139:14
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